Today I’m sharing a tiny bit of what’s been going on in my heart. I’m nervous and even had a dream not to post this, but I post so I will remember and so my daughters will be able to look back and see a glimpse of our life. My heart’s desire is to be transparent and real.
While reading the book of Daniel and this verse jumped off the page, “So Daniel was taken up out of the den and no injury whatever was found on him, because he believed in his God.” Daniel 6:23b (italics mine.)
You see, I was going through something in my life, something that I’ve been wrestling with God for months, actually for years. I was tired of struggling in this area. I was tired of life being hard. Enough was enough. Lord, why are you not hearing me? Don’t you know how faithful I am? (I’m sure that’s His favorite, when I remind Him of my awesomeness!) Why do I keep having to go though this again and again?(Um….because you haven’t learned it yet!!) Then He showed me that verse, a verse that I’d read hundreds of times….but sometimes it takes one more for it to sink in. You see, Daniel was faithful. He was a man of God, but he still had to face struggles. Because of his faithfulness he was thrown into a lion’s den to be killed, BUT he was taken up out of the den with no injury….why? Because he BELIEVED in his God.
I was having a hard time and tired of struggling. The Lord began to show me that for years I’ve been struggling because I wanted to be in control. The reason I thought I needed to control is because I didn’t believe God was who He said He was. Does that make any sense? He says He’s a good and loving God, and while I thought I agreed, I would still be consumed with worry….but what if He allowed something to happen. What if something happens to Mark? or Mark’s job? or my girls? What if….. You name it….I would worry about it! Even when everything was wonderful, I would worry that something was about to happen! All my life I’ve felt like I needed to control my life. Everything needed to be perfect and in order, and when things got hard or troubles came….I would let fear and anxiety take hold of me. I wanted to control my life BUT when I’m in control, the Lord can’t be. I told myself He was in charge, that I surrendered everything to Him, but in reality and in the depths of my heart, it was only the things I was willing to let go of. Don’t get me wrong, I still loved the Lord and followed him….but I never wanted to face the lions. Daniel was faithful. Daniel faced the lions, and it didn’t matter if God was going to deliver him or not. He believe in his God. He believed God was mighty. He believed God would rescue him. I can’t tell you how many times I would pray and then worry about how I needed to fix it. In my pride, I thought God needed me to tell Him how to fix it. I would pray but not let go. I didn’t realize I was doing it…but deep down, I was. When the Lord starts peeling back layers, it’s amazing what’s under all of it. It’s a beautiful, ugly process, but it is so freeing!
Then the Lord started showing me other verses. He wanted to teach me that He was who He said He was. He started to show me that my prayers and dreams were too small. That I was looking at things through my eyes and not His. He is still showing me that it’s okay to pray big prayers. Prayers that I have no clue how it’s going to work out…because He doesn’t need me to figure it out. His plan for my life is better than my plan. He is showing me that He loves using the average, broken people with a heart that is open and ready to be used. He is showing me that even if He doesn’t answer my prayers the way I see fit, that doesn’t change who is He. Even if Daniel didn’t come out of the den, God was still God.
One day when I was cleaning house, He led me to Luke 1:45. “Blessed is she who believed the Lord would fulfill His promises to her.” What a precious verse and a reminder that He will fulfill His promises; promises and dreams He put on my heart. I’ve memorized the verse and had it engraved on a cuff to serve as a constant reminder of who He is! (The cuff is from Farmgirl Paints.)
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